What's Left
by Chasing Fantasies
Summary: Clarke has to deal with what's left after the destruction of tondc. She needs to find solace in what she has done and what she will have to do. The grounder commander isn't all she seems to be. And together they have to piece together what remains of themselves. Love is weakness and they have a war to win. But it's how you protect what's left afterwards that really matters.
1. Chapter 1

A/N's at the bottom

Disclaimer: I don't own The 100

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_Tell me. Tell me Lexa that we have not done this for nothing. That these lives weren't for nothing. _

_She was silent._

_Only time will tell, Clarke of the Sky People. _

Run. She had to keep running for as fast as her legs would carry her. In the back of her mind she knew Lexa was watching her. Watching her run back in to the village that might possibly be aflame in minutes, seconds even. Maybe love really was a weakness. Maybe as she ran back to save her mother, she really would die. Wouldn't it be foolish of her to have let everyone die and she herself die because she ran back? Foolish indeed.

She wouldn't leave her. Not her mother. She couldn't have that blood on her hands. Not when Clarke knew that she was drowning in the others. So she ran as fast as her feet would carry and prayed to God that she made it in time.

Because if she didn't… she really was an idiot. She only hoped Lexa would forgive her.

And then the world was lit white. And the screams began.

* * *

"Clarke! Clarke!" There was just ringing. She stumbled back in pain. Everything was spinning as well. Where was she? Where happened? A pair of hands gripped her shoulders. They kept shaking her, but everything was _ringing_. And then there were the _screams_. _Open your eyes Clarke._ It wasn't real though. As long as she didn't open her eyes it wasn't real.

"Clarke! Please!" Green eyes popped open. Her mother was above her and everything came back to her. Clarke had found her mother minutes before the missile hit. She had grabbed Abbey and ran despite all the protests and despite all the attempts of questioning. They couldn't die. The duo had been right outside the camp when it hit. And then it had merely been a sensation of flying.

Abbey's eyes were filled with tears, but they were both still alive. She ignored any pleas and the pain in her chest to sit up. The dizziness in her head didn't disillusion the black fog that overtook the whole area. It didn't take away the giant hole in the ground or the fires that lit the forest. It didn't stop the people in the village dying or the ones running to find those still alive. It didn't stop the fact that she had known.

_What have I done?_

Clarke didn't know what to do and when she turned and looked at her mother she knew. Abbey looked at her daughter now that she was reassured of her safety. Blood ran down the side of her face and the desire to run back, to help was overwhelming. What she was thinking wasn't possible. Not her daughter.

"How did you know?" Her voice sounded hoarse. The smoke inhalation would be bad. She might have a concussion. But maybe that was just the shock? The disbelief? She was wrong. Abbey had to be wrong. "How did you know Clarke?"

Clarke couldn't speak. She opened her mouth to say words, to say something, but nothing came out. Because what the hell was she supposed to say? _Octavia, Lincoln, Kane…_

"You knew." The accusation came out harsh. It wasn't a question. It was a fact.

Clarke looked up and met her mother's eyes. Eyes that looked so much like hers, that had always been proud of her. There was only disappointment now. And anger. There was so much anger. She wanted to curl up in a ball. She wanted to hide away in a hole and never come out. She wanted to take it all back.

She could have saved them. All of them.

"How could you?" Abbey's voice was rising. "How could you leave them to die! You could have saved them."

"…I had to." Clarke whispered. She was working on auto-pilot at this point. "I didn't have a choice." The desperation that clawed at her voice made her feel weak. She was so weak. She was weak because it had never hurt this much. Clarke couldn't guard her heart against this. There was nothing that had ever prepared her for this.

"Tell me this was Lexa. Tell me that it wasn't you."

It was. It was all Lexa. She had wanted to tell them, to save them all. But that wasn't the truth and she couldn't lie to her mother. Not again and not after this. Her voice failed her, but the slight nod of her head was enough to know. It was enough to be ashamed and to be sorry and to question everything she had ever done. But that was the truth and that was now the weight of the burden on her shoulders. When the look of disgust overcame Abbey's face, Clarke felt loss.

And she knew loss is what she would feel for a long time. That this aching and deep sense of regret would stay with her for the rest of her life. It would never go away.

"I don't know who you are anymore." And then she was gone. Abbey left her there to go do what Clarke knew she should have as well. She went back to save the people that could be saved. To explore the carnage that Clarke had left in her wake as leader.

"Clarke!" The shouted whisper came and Clarke was forced to tear her eyes away from the remains of tondc. Shadowed and cloaked she stared into the brown eyes of Lexa. She had come back. Why? The blonde didn't move when the Commander grabbed her. Brown eyes raking her body for injury.

"What have we done?" She finally choked out needing an answer, needing something to hold her steady.

"We can't be here. We have to go." When Clarke still refused to move, Lexa hissed. "Now."

Clarke pushed the Commander off. Anger filled her body. It was a default, to deny everything. "We could have saved them Lexa. We knew! We knew and we did nothing!" She could feel her heart rate soar; feel her pulse beat through her entire body. Everything was hypertensive, Clarke felt everything.

Lexa turned facing her sky counterpart. Her face was still impassive although Clarke didn't miss the way brown eyes would glance angrily at the burning village. "We didn't have a choice."

"We had a ch-"

"We didn't have a choice!" Lexa said with finality. And Clarke knew she was right. She knew they had made the right decision, but it didn't stop the pain. Is this what a leader was? "And if we go back now then it will have been for nothing Clarke of the Sky People. They will have died for nothing."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better Commander?"

"It is supposed to help you realize when you make foolish decisions. What happens when we go back and they send another missile? What will happen then? To win a war you must be willing to lose a battle. We did what we had to do." Lexa grabbed her hand and pulled knowing they had to move.

"The mountain men, I want them dead. I want all of them dead." And for a moment the Commander just stared at the Sky Princess. Blood demanded blood. But that was not their way. The anger that filled green eyes wouldn't be dissuaded. Lexa knew all too well of that kind of pain. The pain that only war could cause, and the scars that they left were ones that never faded. No matter how much time may pass.

She nodded though. Because for all that she knew was wrong, she was a grounder and at heart that is where her loyalties screamed. Blood demanded blood, cried for it. She would avenge her people. There would be no mercy for this. Not from her.

When the gun pistols fired in the distance, she watched as Clarke whipped around. Fury flashing in her eyes. Someone was attacking the remaining survivors. "The sniper."

"We have to leave."

"We have to find him." Clarke insisted.

Lexa was impassive. "And if he finds out we're alive? He'll radio back and this was all a loss."

"He won't." The Commander frowned. "Because I'm going to kill him."

* * *

The gunshot fired. They had hid behind the giant boulder. Clarke couldn't breathe. She couldn't feel anything but the anger that burned in her body. Lexa's lithe frame fit into the side of her and all she could feel was the blank stare of the Commander. How? How could she be like this? Did she not feel it to? Clarke couldn't be the only one to feel this immeasurable despair.

Because of them. Because of the mountain men.

It wasn't fair. Clarke felt everything and she felt nothing. Love was weakness.

They had found Lincoln somewhere along the way. The grounder offered a temporary relief of the tragedy. And when Octavia's name had been said, when her safety had been confirmed, it felt like a stone had been lifted from her chest. The boulder that sat in its stead though was never any lighter. He had to die first. They had to pay and then everything could be okay again. She could be Clarke again.

The Sky Princess turned her head to try to get a better look only to feel the bullet whizz by her cheek. She hissed in pain.

"We need someone to draw the fire." Lexa said.

Lincoln immediately stepped in. "I'll do it."

"No." Clarke said without a second thought. "I'll do it." She didn't wait for a response or confirmation. She just stepped out and began to shoot. She never missed. She wasn't as good as Kane or Bellamy, but she had learned and she had survived. She wasn't the same girl that fell from the sky in a ball of flame. She wasn't afraid to kill. Not anymore.

She didn't pay attention when Lincoln ran out and went the backside. She didn't stop when the grounder jumped the man without a hazard suit breathing air he didn't deserve to breathe. She watched in slow motion as they fought. As Lincoln brought his elbow into his face, when the man brought out the knife and slashed at Lincoln.

When he pulled out the frequency siren Clarke knew Lincoln had lost. The pitch that had the grown man curling into a ball was still beyond her comprehension, but in the back of her mind she knew they would need something to solve that eventually.

The man pulled up Lincoln with the knife held at his throat. She could see the blood being drawn. She raised her gun in a straight shot. "Come any closer and he dies."

Lincoln looked at her and all she could see was Octavia and all the lives they had already lost. But when she looked at the Mountain Man all she could see were the friends locked away and sentenced to death. The bone marrow treatment a quick fix to selfish people who took everything when they deserved nothing. "Clarke shoot. Save your people."

Lexa said nothing. There was no advice when she needed it. No guidance or dismissal from her when Clarke would have welcomed it. The Commander was useless to her. Always judging her for who she was and not who she could be. Be happy! Praise her! Because Lexa was right. There was no room for weakness.

But a heart could still beat despite the wish for it not to.

"You are my people."

She shot the gun. It tore through Lincoln's shoulder and through the heart of the Mountain Man. She could only faintly hear the yell of pain from the grounder. Her eyes were glued to watching a dead man fall. His body hit the ground and she knew he was gone. Dead before he hit the ground. He had deserved it.

Lincoln glanced at her only momentarily. "Good shot." Before taking out his horn and blowing it. She had no doubt that people back at the village had heard it. They were safe.

The Commander walked up to her and the look on her face was all Clarke needed to see to know. Lexa had known what she was going to do. It was still all a lesson. She didn't want them. She didn't want this. The blonde couldn't stop the tears that rolled down her face. Because for the first time she realized it was all too much. And from here there was no going back to the way things used to be.

"Did that make you feel better?"

Clarke holstered her gun and began the trek back down the mountain.

"No."

* * *

A/N: A little short, but just a prelude to how I plan to continue the story. At this point it'll diverge off the regular plot of the show hopefully, but this is where I wanted to start it off from. I hope you enjoyed it and there's going to be a lot more interaction from Clarke and Lexa from here.

I think they're both fascinating characters and I'm excited to play with their dynamics a little bit. Reviews are welcome and the next update should be up soon. See ya,

Chasing Fantasies


	2. Chapter 2

A/N's will be at the bottom.

Disclaimer: I don't own the 100

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_That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt. _

She didn't hear anything that was said, not really. When they had made it back to the camp, it was the first time they had really seen it since the missile, since the fires and the smoke had dissipated. Nothing was left of Tondc. Tents and structures were in ruins, the ground bare of any green. The once stronghold of all the twelve grounder clans preparing for war was desolate.

But Clarke could feel it. The underlying bile of anger and resentment. This is what Lexa had wanted.

And when she had come atop and looked down on all those who were left she had made her speech. It was that of a valiant leader, it was inspiring, and it had everybody chanting. The desire for blood could no longer be ignored. The desire for blood was all that was left. And as bitter as she was to deny it she felt it to.

The price of peace was a high one. Built from the back of other's sacrifice if she remembered Lexa's words correctly. The deaths were Clarke's sacrifice to fight another day. She would never forget.

"Our fight is not over! The dead shall be avenged!" Clarke tilted her head watching her counterpart. It was like clockwork and Lexa was the ring master of it all because her words had them screaming, mindless like the lamb being led for slaughter.

_Heda! Heda! Heda!_

The echoes of the chants floated. This is what war was. At one time Clarke had thought she had known what war was. When she had watched the civil uprising in the ark she had thought she knew. When 100 kids were sent to die on earth she thought she knew. When she had burned 300 grounders and saw their blackened corpses in desolate woods she thought she knew.

She was so wrong though. This was war. And it seemed endless.

Her attention was brought away when she heard Abby. Her mother's face was tight when she yelled for everyone to get back to work. That there were people who still needed to be helped. She glanced at Lexa to see if she would object. Her mother was not the leader here, she had no authority as much as she liked to illusion that she had.

Lexa was in control. And by default Clarke realized she was as well. She hadn't wanted the burden of being leader and somehow it was thrown at her. At what moment did she take the power? Her mind reeled, but her conscious conjured nothing. It could have been when she set fire to the world, when Finn's blood coated her fingers as he whispered goodbye. It could have been when she watched missiles fire against Tondc.

So many moments it could have been. And so many of them filled with regret.

She could feel heart start to race. She hadn't wanted this. She had never wanted this. So then why had they given this duty to her? Clarke stopped breathing. A part of her knew she wasn't going to make it. That by the end of this war there was going to be nothing left of her. She would merely cease to exist. Was that the price of peace?

"Clarke." A dam broke and the blonde took air once again. She whipped her head around to meet the eyes of Lexa. Her hand had reached down and lightly grabbed hers for reasons she didn't understand. Her fingers warm against her skin, it anchored her to the ground.

Yet anger bubbled underneath because she wasn't sure what else to feel. She didn't want to think about what else she might feel with Lexa near her. Because she grounded her, she kept her steady. But as she looked out to Tondc she realized that people near her always seemed to die. Why was that? She ripped her hand away from the Commanders.

"I'm going to see if they need my help." Her feet moved of their own accord walking away from Lexa. Clarke ignored the way her hands shook uncontrollably and the feeling of her heart beating against her chest. She wouldn't have been surprised if it had burst then and there. She didn't look back and Lexa didn't chase after. She knew she wouldn't. This was a partnership not a friendship. And surely not anything more.

They needed each other to reach a common goal. Beyond that Clarke wanted nothing to do with her.

That's what she had to tell herself. That's how she would keep herself safe. She had to stay away from everybody.

It was wrong of her to go to the medical tent. She didn't deserve to be there. She didn't have the right, but she had the medical expertise. To make amends for her wrongs in some small way, she had to go through. She pushed back the flap of the tent and was assaulted with the smell of blood and burnt flesh. The screams had stopped, but Clarke still heard them.

She truly didn't think they would ever go away.

There were shouts of different people moving to help. Pushing past her with medicine, to try and save who they could. Still Clarke stood frozen. She moved motionless through rows and rows of bodies. Some were covered and knew they had been beyond saving. Some were still alive, but were ignored by those medics going around. She knew what that meant to.

The rest had many by them. Many working to do what they could. She spotted her mother in the distance. She had recruited Grounder and Sky People alike. The moment she saw some of their faces though Clarke knew they were struggling. They were still losing so many.

A small cry to her right caught her attention as she turned to find the source of the noise. Her chest tightened painfully at the sight.

It was a little girl.

There were no tears in her eyes and her mouth was set into a firm line. It's as if she refused to be seen as weak. It didn't matter as Clarke went into auto-pilot. She bent down over her and whispered soft words. "Hi. I'm Clarke and I'm here to help you okay?" She lifted her fingers to touch the side of the girls face. She turned away from Clarke's prying fingers. Defiance etched firmly into her face.

"You're a Sky Person." There was fear in her eyes, but she held true to her heritage. Clarke would not be dissuaded though.

"And you're stubborn." The blonde bit back.

The girl tried to hide the hint of a smile that played at her face but failed. Clarke continued on. "I just want to help. I know it hurts." She merely grunted as seemed to be grounder custom. Clarke absentmindedly wondered if all Grounders came out tough as nails and with no feeling. If all they thought since birth was war and battle.

The blonde went again to the wounds and this time the little girl didn't fight it. She grimaced. It had to be at least third degree burns if not worse. The scarring would never fade and if it did heal she would never look the same.

Clarke bit her lip when she prodded too much on one spot and the child had flinched involuntarily in pain. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I know it hurts."

"I'm fine." She said in a small voice trying to be courageous.

"_No. You're not." _

By the make-shift bed there was burn cream she recognized from Camp Jaha. Slowly she picked it up and applied some to her hands making sure to coat her fingertips in the white substance. The Grounder girl watched with rabid interest and as much as she tried to appear unaffected Clarke saw the fear.

She had to distract her somehow.

"Can you tell me your name?" Clarke asked slowly bringing the young girl's eyes to meet hers. When her focus was dragged away she slowly moved her hand to the side of her face again. She flinched again at the touch but her small eyes didn't leave Clarke's. She smiled wanly.

"Dena." The response was still short and clipped. The child still didn't trust her, but the blonde's eyes didn't miss the tightening of her small fists.

"That's such a pretty name De-"

"No!" The small child was quick to interrupt her. "It's a strong name!" Her body tensed and Clarke accidently put too much force over one area and Dena recoiled in pain hissing. Tears sprang into her eyes.

Clarke knew better than to apologize. It would only signify weakness. "Yes. Your right, it's a very strong name. Just like your heda…" Her words were slow as tiny eyes glared at her. She watched as they lessened with the mentioning of Lexa. The admiration they had for their leader rivaled to nothing Clarke had ever seen.

A smile played at her lips. "I want to be just like heda when I'm older."

Clarke gently moved her hand over to her shoulder and pulled the ripped cotton back from it. The burn spread from her face down to shoulders and back. She would have to apply the cream now and then on and off every few hours. It would be tedious, but Clarke had made up her mind of staying with her new patient.

Hesitantly she began her work again. "Do you?" She questioned softly. The blonde's thoughts drifted back to Lexa. Her mouth moved of its own accord, "She's very strong you know. I know she would be proud to have someone such as you admiring her."

"Heda is our leader. She will help avenge our dead…my mother." She said sadness creeping into her voice. Her eyes remained firm though as she continued. "I want to be as strong as her and lead our people if the spirits choose."

Clarke glanced up at Dena, she thought she would have been cute. Her brown hair was long and her skin tan from being in the sun far too long. The scar that would mar her face though, would people see past that? The Grounders maybe, scars were welcomed. Against those of her own kind though she would be a small girl horribly disfigured for the rest of her lie.

"Clarke of the Sky People." Blue eyes looked up to see Dena focusing intently on her. She had sounded like her just then. She had sounded just like Lexa when she had said her title.

"Yes, Dena of the Ground?" She teased softly. She would live and she would grow old. For a moment Clarke remembered why war was necessary. It was for seconds like these. A future was needed for kids like Dena. So they could grow old and know peace. And for Dena to be Heda. She wanted to live old and see that.

"Do you like our Heda?" She asked curiously. The tension and wariness had left her shoulders. Children were still children. They trusted as easy as they mistrusted. Everything was still new and shiny for them despite the dust that covered the lines of right and wrong.

Clarke sucked in a breath caught off guard. "What?"

The girl pouted as if not wanting to repeat herself. "I said, do you like our Heda?"

"I-"

"You are of the Sky People. You do not like us yet you stay with Heda and fight." Dena said as if it was the most obvious thing of the world. "You Sky People are not like we were always told."

Clarke was silent. A thousand thoughts ran through her head as she tried to think of an answer.

"Well?"

"Um..." Clarke started. "I- your leader and I… we get along. I respect her." Dena looked as if she expected more so Clarke took a breathe and continued. "She is strong where I am weak. And I…I need her to help me get through this for our people. We don't always agree, but we both want peace. For our people I think we're willing to put everything on the line." She said the words pouring out of her.

Dena stared at her hard for a moment. "Our people?" There was a lilt in her voice and for a moment the sky princess wondered how a small child already knew so much.

"Yes, Dena our people. You are my people. I want to fight for all of us. Not just those from the Sky or here on the Ground." Clarke said smiling. "We all deserve peace."

The girl nodded her head to something before moving. Clarke watched carefully as she rubbed her fingers in the dirt beneath them. It was wet and was crushed easily between small fingers. When Dena raised her hand again she held it just over Clarke's face. There was question in her eyes. She was asking for permission.

Clarke raised in eyebrow, but nodded her head in consent anyway.

Her chubby fingers were cold against her warm skin slicked with sweat. Dena took Clarke's face in her hands as the young girl focused intently. "Close your eyes Clarke of the Sky." She mumbled out. The blonde obeyed instantly and felt rough hands smear across her face.

It felt like an eternity sitting there cross-legged in front of the miniature Grounder. Her dirty hands smearing across her face with blue eyes closed. When the sweaty hands finally left Dena spoke again, "Okay. I'm done."

When she opened her eyes things felt different. It was like seeing Dena in a new light. Quite possibly it was just the dirt that was falling into her eyes. She dared not rub them though for fear of offending the small child.

"I don't have our paint, but now you look like us. You are of the Ground to." Dena said as if it was the most important thing in the world. Clarke touched her face lightly and bowed her head.

"Now you can protect the Heda."

Clarke's head shot up. "Wait what?"

Dena nodded again. "You are now fit to protect our Heda. I deem you worthy now."

Clarke shook her head. "Oh no, Dena you misunderstood I-"

She was interrupted when Dena began to cough violently. Her filthy hands reaching up and covering her mouth Clarke's eyes narrowed when she thought she saw something.

Dena looked at her hand before looking at Clarke eyes wide. "Clarke?" She asked questioningly. Blood dribbled from the corners of her lips. The hair on the blonde's back rose as she couldn't speak. She moved of her own accord, but a part of her knew it was already too late.

She once again had been too late to notice.

Dena started another coughing fit. Violent and painful, Clarkes watched as more blood began to cover her hands. And when the small girl started to shake pupils dilated Clarke moved instantly. "Shit!"

She didn't respond the girl unable to speak past the coughing. _"She's seizing." _When her arms started to flail Clarke attempted to restrain her, holding her arm and legs down. She couldn't risk having her hurt herself. When she began to vomit, the blonde forced the small child to her side. She had to make sure she didn't choke. If she did it was game over. She needed to get air to the lungs.

"Dena!" She shouted, "Dena you have to breathe!" Her lips were painted red. What had she missed? Clarke's eyes widened. No, no this couldn't be happening. "Help!" The demand ripped from her throat as her eyes focused solely on Dena. Everything was moving too fast. She needed it to slow down, everything needed to slow down.

"Damn it someone help me!"

Dena's body froze momentarily before seizing again. "Help me!" The words ripped from her throat, her voice the perfect image of her mothers. When a man fell down next to her she told him what to do. He grabbed the side of Dena's body holding her down as she convulsed painfully against him.

"What happened?" He asked frantically eyes wide.

Clarke bit her lip as she watched helplessly. She couldn't do anything until the girl stopped seizing. "I-I don't know." A small pool of blood had gathered and Clarke felt nauseous. It had been fine. Dena had been fine. What the fuck had she missed?

It felt like an eternity before she finally stopped, but Clarke immediately went into action. Turning her back over she spoke softly. "Dena you have to breathe okay? You need to breathe."

The blonde grit her teeth when there was no response. The pathways might have been blocked and her small body was tense. Clarke didn't hesitate and used two fingers to go in and grab globs of the blood and vomit from the small child's mouth.

Once she was sure there was a clear air pathway, she moved on. The white sheets and the ground were painted red. She could feel her own bile rise in her throat and her chest tightened painfully. She was so scared and Clarke hated it.

Raising the young child's shirt she moved her bloody fingered over the stomach. It was distended. Why hadn't she checked for other injuries before? When she pressed lightly and then a little more firmly it elicited the first response since the coughing fit as Dena moaned in pain.

There was still hope. She could still fix this.

"Clarke, I don't think… the damage that will have been done to th-"

"Shut up!" Clarke yelled glaring at the man. "Go find my mother." She ordered and when the man didn't move she yelled again. "That wasn't a fucking question. Go find my mother." The man was quick to scamper off.

When Dena began convulsing for a third time logically Clarke knew. Logically she knew what the next events were most likely to happen. She had been doing this long enough to know. The third episode was shorter than first two and when Dena's body relaxed her mind raced.

Her hands shook as they moved to the girl's neck. She needed a pulse. When two fingers met where she knew the main artery to be she counted. And then when she felt a small pulse she breathed out in relief. It was faint but it was still there.

She looked back up at Dena. Her eyes were wide and the pupils dilated. _"She's going into shock."_ Clarke realized.

With the seizures and the pain from the burns, she knew Dena didn't have the mental capacity to deal with the pain properly. She was too young. "Dena? Dena, you have to stay with me." Her voice wavered and it betrayed everything that she felt.

Dena said nothing although she saw small blue eyes move briefly to look at her. She had blue eyes to. They were so pretty. Her mouth moved but nothing came out. Clarke felt tears fall, but refused to acknowledge them.

_No. Please, please no. _

"Hey, you're okay. You're okay Dena. Alright?" Clarke whispered smiling at the girl laying in her blood. "Dena, you gotta talk to me though okay? I can't be the only one talking. I'm not really a good talker. I always say the wrong things." She took a small hand in her own. "Talk about Lexa." She pleaded.

_Say something!_

Dena lips started to move again. Clarke nodded in encouragement. "That's it Dena. Come on, talk to me."

".P-protect… heda…"

She felt the small girls hand squeeze her own. And then she went limp.

"No. Dena no."

Clarke put her head to her chest. She wasn't breathing. This couldn't be happening. Where the fuck was her mother? She was quick to interlock her hands and start compressions on her chest. She had to get her heart beating again. Dena had to live.

She counted off out loud as she pressed down on the tiny body. The tears blurring her eyes, she refused to give up. "Dena. Wake up. Dena you gotta breathe." She hit fifteen compressions and brought her ear back down to the chest. Still nothing.

Clarke held back a choked sob. No. She couldn't. She started her compressions again. "You said you wanted to be Heda right? That means your spirit has to stay here Dena. It has to stay right here." She hit fifteen again and put her head down to listen for a breathe.

It was going to happen. She was going to live. She could feel it.

Her chest didn't move. Clarke felt a hand on her shoulder, but didn't bother to turn around to see who it was. She started her compressions again. Dena was so still and her body was cold. Why was it cold?

"Clarke." Abby said from behind her daughter.

Clarke counted off her compressions eyes watching for some kind of life.

"Clarke." Abby said more forcefully this time taking her daughter by the shoulders.

The blonde whipped around anger in her eyes. "Don't touch me! I can still save her!" Abby gripped her shoulders as she tried to pry away. Eyes flickered to the grounder girl that Abby already knew was long gone. It was too much for someone so young. They hadn't gotten to her in time. There was nothing they could have done.

"She's gone Clarke. She's gone."

Clarke froze. Eyes focusing on everything in front of her. It was somehow eerily silent in the medical tent. She didn't know when people had gathered, but they had. They all stared at her. Blood covered her hands and shirt, her eyes still smeared with dirt from her make-shift grounder mask. Dena's last gift.

Kane stood behind her mother. He wouldn't meet her eyes. There were others to. Faces she knew from Camp Jaha, grounders that had volunteered to help. They were there watching her. And it was all she could do to search for someone to tell her that Abby was wrong.

And as her eyes roamed she found one pair staring right at her at the entrance just a few feet away.

Lexa stood watching the blonde, the two grounders next to her she recognized as the body guards. Clarke couldn't decide what emotion played in her eyes. She didn't even know how long she had been watching, but her eyes never left Lexa's as the warrior princess walked over. Kneeling down over the motionless body of the child, Lexa made a move toward her.

Clarke was quick to react and try to shield the child her hands thrown over Dena. _They couldn't. Not yet._ _Not her._ Lexa merely paused her patience never wavering. Her eyes were steady as she stared at Clarke. The contact never left as the Commander slowly moved Clarke's hand away from Dena.

Gently, with Clarke watching intently, Lexa leant over Dena and shut her eyes and whispered the final words that she knew made it real. "Your fight is over." The blonde was frozen as she watched blue eyes disappear. And when they were finally shut, something snapped inside of her.

She stood up and didn't stop when she heard shouts of her name. Her feet just moved and by the time she was out of the medical tent she was in a full out run. She didn't know how long she ran only that she did so until her feet couldn't possibly take another step.

She couldn't be there anymore. She couldn't do this.

The trees were her cover, her only company. She ran past the gates of Tondc and when her feet could no longer carry her she fell. Her head was pounding and the fresh tears that fell from her face scorched her skin. The screams were back, the smell of smoke floated through the air. It felt like she was being torn apart from the inside out.

But now, little blue eyes stared back at her to. They were so full of life and strong and Clarke had let them die. She had let her die, just like she had let the hundreds of grounders be murdered. Everything always fell back on her.

She looked down to her hands. It was all red. Her clothes stained and marred into this beautifully etched design that she knew she would never forget. She moved to scrub it off. It had to come off, all of it. She desperately needed to see something other than the pain she felt now. She cried harder as it smeared across her pale skin covering every inch of her fingers and palms.

She was drowning and she thought that maybe this was the air now. This is how she was meant to feel. With her lungs empty, chest tight, heart aching, and her body numb to the cold around her.

Who the hell was she?

The scream ripped itself from her throat. She fell to her knees and sobbed. Because she couldn't do this. She was weak. And her people would die because of that. She wasn't strong enough to do what was required of her. When her eyes finally shut to sleep, Clarke realized she had nothing left to give.

There was nothing more of her but fragmented pieces of a person that used to be.

She woke to cracking embers. Small flames dancing in the dark to a melody that she could no longer hear. It felt as if someone had split her head in two and for a moment Clarke didn't realize where she was. When she finally looked up and met green eyes she remembered.

She was surrounded by pine. They were alone with the stars and for once Clarke was grateful. She was grateful for the silence and the peace of the night. Her eyes slid back to the fire. It was cold now and the warmth of the flame was nice.

She sat up slowly and watched as a blanket she knew wasn't there earlier slid off. No words were spoken, but mutely she got up and moved closer to the fire and green eyes. They watched her curiously.

"You're awake."

"Is it just you?" The blonde asked ignoring her comment. She searched the shadows for her bodyguards that followed her, for her mother, or for Kane. Or for someone that wasn't Lexa.

"Everyone else is in the village. I followed shortly after you left." She said taking a bite of meat from a stick she had been roasting.

"They don't where I am then. You didn't tell them."

"I didn't see the need to no."

Silence reigned in between them.

"You are not surprised." It wasn't a question so more as a statement.

In response Clarke shrugged her shoulders. "Should I be Lexa?"

She didn't have it in her too fight. Even after sleep, she didn't feel rested. She still felt weary and tired and the memories of what had happened were still fresh. They were still raw and burning in her mind. "Why are you here?" Her voice was hoarse.

"Would you prefer I not be?" Lexa questioned back eyebrow raised.

A snarl overtook Clarke's face. "No more fucking games. No more riddles and half-answers."

Lexa just stared at her and said nothing. "It is not safe out here for you."

"And what about you? If I recall we both have prices on our heads." Clarke said into the fire. "You barely make it ten feet without some bodyguard following behind in your shadow."

"Maybe I'm not the one who needs them." Lexa said. "I do not run off and nap in the woods." It wasn't meant as an insult. Clarke knew it wasn't. It was just how Lexa spoke. She was blunt and she was honest. She said what she thought regardless of how you felt.

And yet Clarke still didn't feel the need to respond. There was nothing really to say. And for as numb as she felt, her mind still burned with questions. There was no reason for Lexa to follow her out here. She could have sent others. It wasn't a lie to say that it was more dangerous for them both to be out here without any protection than just one.

If they died everything was over.

"She was brave." Lexa said breaking her reverie.

The blonde's jaw clinched. This was dangerous ground. This was ground she was still unsure of treading.

"She was a little girl." Clarke insisted forcefully not particularly wanting to talk about this.

Lexa took out her water skin and drank from it. "That is where you are wrong. She was a warrior."

Clarke turned around anger lighting her features. "How can you say that?"

"Because that is our culture." The Commander said simply.

"And that makes her death right? That makes the fact that we let hundreds of people burn so we could live okay? Bullshit!" Clarke stood up standing tall above the crouched warrior watching the flame.

This time it was Lexa who did not feel the need to respond. Her eyes still curiously despondent as she ate meat and watched the fire dance. Clarke grit her teeth. "What's left after this Lexa? What is going to be left of us after we finish this war that is even worth saving?"

"I do not know."

The Sky Princess laughed. It was harsh and cold and there was no warmth to it. "You really don't care do you? You have no feelings at all. They died protecting you, they died! As in they don't get a second shot at life!"

This got a reaction she wanted. Lexa was quick to stand and for the first time Clarke could see her. She could see the woman past the Commander. There was something there. It wasn't anger that overtook her light features. It was anguish and despair. It was pain and hurt. It was weak.

"Do not mistake my calm for that of not caring. You think I don't feel the weight of those who have died? I see them too Clarke. I see them every day whether I wish it or not."

Lexa got close to the blonde and she could feel her breathe on her face. "The dead are dead. There is nothing I can do to bring them back. You cannot show weakness Clarke. I have told you, they will turn on you. We are lamb waiting to be eaten by lions."

She wouldn't back down. "So what would you have us do then? Pretend that for as long as this war drags on we ourselves aren't lost?"

"Victory stands on the back of-"

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare say it Lexa!" Clarke shouted. "It matters! It matter how we win! We cannot sacrifice _people _every time we need to win! We are more than that. Why don't you understand that?"

"Because we are leaders Clarke. Because we don't have a choice."

"There is more to being a leader than closing your heart off to everything. To shutting everyone and everything out. If there is nothing left then what will we have won? We are drowning in blood Lexa. Don't you realize that?" Desperation clawed at her chest.

"A leader must make the choices that others cannot. We bear the cross so that our people may not feel its weight. We wear our sins because we have faith in our cause."

She felt it to. For the first time Clarke realized how deeply Lexa felt this. How much she must have hated what she became. What she was forced to become when was given the title of Heda, but it did not change their reality.

"I didn't ask for this." She whispered. The anger had fled from her body. Exhaustion crept back into her bones as her entire body sagged. She moved forward and rested her forehead to Lexa's. Her eyes closed as she realized how truly tired she was.

"And yet here we both are." Lexa said sadly her eyes soaking in every emotion that played along Clarke's face. She saw the tightening of her jaw and the bite of her lip; it was the little movements that fascinated her. That drew her closer when she felt far.

It was funny because she too no longer understood the gravity of this.

She grimaced when Clarke moved back away from her. She relished the lost contact briefly before gracefully sitting back down next to the fire. She motioned for the blonde to sit as well. It took a full minute but after another harsh glare from the brunette she sat. She took out the water skin containing her water and splashed the liquid across her hand.

Clarke didn't question it when Lexa's hand moved and softly cleaned the dirt mask around her eyes. Didn't question why the feel of her hand on her skin calmed her like nothing else could. It was easy to fall into this with Lexa because they fell together. It made her so uneasy and she didn't trust it, but she had the feeling that she couldn't stop it. Not even if she wanted to.

"Tell me about her." She said gently continuing to clean Clarke's face with her thumb rubbing underneath her eyes and around her soft cheeks.

Blue eyes regarded Lexa still unsure, but continued on anyway. "Her name was Dena and she admired you more than anything." Clarke saw the hint of a small smile there. And even though it was sad, it was better than nothing.

She told her everything she knew about the little girl even though there was truly nothing to tell. She told Lexa of how she died and how strong the she was. And when there was nothing left to talk about they sat around the fire in silence. It was comfortable and Clarke never felt the need to talk.

They weren't ready yet.

There might be a time when they were ready to be more for each other, but for now it was silence and Clarke was okay with that. Because Lexa didn't ask questions, didn't ask if she was alright because she knew she wasn't. She didn't ask about the war or how she felt because she quite possibly didn't care. The silence was enough.

This was enough.

The one thing she hadn't told Lexa though were Dena's last words.

"_P-protect… heda…"_

_No. Not yet._ She wouldn't tell her. _Maybe, I never will._ That was something Clarke didn't feel like sharing, but as she looked at the Commander she knew she would hold good to those words. She wanted Lexa to make it through this. She wanted to make it through this. When this was all over she didn't want to be alone.

She would protect Lexa. Even if that meant it killed her.

* * *

A/N – Second chapter up. I know I said I'd focus more on Clarke and Lexa, but I got a little carried away with Clarke. It's starting to come together for me though and the next chapter will almost solely revolve around those two.

So let me know what you think. Anything and everything is helpful and most importantly I just hope you enjoyed it. Thanks,

Chasing Fantasies


	3. Chapter 3

Normally don't do this, but I fixed a lot of things last chapter that came to my attention and added other things to hopefully make it a little bit better in case you wanted to give it another look before reading this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own the 100

* * *

_maybe it is just the way we are, when we are with each other. we cannot get it together or agree on anything. and maybe that is what attracts us, the fact that you and i know what is best for one another but we are just too afraid to accept it. either way, i am not sure if i can ever let go because deep down inside me, everything begins to hurt the moment i feel like looking away. _

The sun crept beyond the horizon and lit the sky a beautiful orange. The light was slow in its movement as it claimed everything in its path, creeping beyond the tree line and grazing the forest, waking the animals from their slumber, and casting its ray of warmth to the chilled ground.

Lexa watched unmoving as the stars began to fade away. It was her favorite thing. To watch the stars really. The dazzling sparkle that set the sky aflame in a chaotic fire that burned in Lexa's chest. She had long since forgone the actions of sleep. Sleep only brought the nightmares, the terror of faces that she had lost.

She couldn't sleep. It hurt. It hurt far more than any words she could ever say.

So instead she watched the sky. She watched its ever changing dances as the spirits of her people laughed. That's what the stars were after all. When you died, you left to become a star. The Commander could only hope that when she passed she could go and dance one day with the ancestor of her spirits. To truly find peace once more, a peace that she had not had since she was given the title of Heda.

When the last star faded her green eyes fell back to the ground.

She watched the sleeping form of Clarke curiously. Laid against the tree across from her the blonde Sky Princess had fallen asleep long ago in the silence of her company. It had been nice. She had enjoyed the girl's company much more than she thought she would have.

"_She looks so peaceful."_ It was such a difference from when she were awake. Lexa didn't think she had ever seen someone look so serene in sleep. Then again she didn't think she had ever just sat and watched somebody sleep. And yet her eyes were drawn to her unable to look away.

She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to wake the girl from her slumber. Lexa didn't want this to end.

The Commander didn't quite understand what made her act the way she did when she was around Clarke. It was instant, a moment of curiosity, that brought her to the woods in a chase after her. It was an inexplainable pull that called for Lexa to follow her, to not let her be alone. She grimaced.

It was a weakness.

Why? Why did she so easily throw caution to the wind when it came to Clarke? Clarke was changing her and Lexa wasn't sure if she liked it. There was a way of life that she had to follow. It was a way of life which she had accepted when she became Heda. She had been okay with it before and yet now…

Now she wasn't sure what she wanted. And that was dangerous.

Lexa got up from her spot on the ground. The remnants of the fire had died long ago into the night, but the smoke still rose to the sky in its journey. The embers still warm from where they once danced in jubilee.

Was it when Clarke had saved her from the pauna that things had changed? When she had defied the gravity of their situation and helped Lexa survive what could have been her death? Lexa remembered the way her chest had tightened with the beast banging on the cages. She remembered the way her heart beat faster when Clarke told her that her spirit needed to stay where it was. When Clarke said she _needed_ Lexa.

Or quite possibly it could have been when Lexa had seen her strength plunging her own knife into the sky boy's chest. When she saw Clarke sacrifice her own humanity for that of the boy's and her people. When she had seen the anguish overcome blue eyes as his blood ran across her hands.

Lexa wasn't disillusioned to see the fragmented pieces that Clarke was becoming. She was a broken reflection of the girl she used to be and the commander knew that no matter how much Clarke tried to fight against it she would never be the same.

Those pieces of her that fell away would never fit back together. She would always be an incomplete puzzle searching for its missing parts. Lexa knew that because that is how she was. Lexa knew it because she was also a leader. That was their price to pay.

_Am I truly willing to pay it though?_

She frowned as she pushed the thought away. She couldn't do this. She wouldn't. They were silly thoughts to entertain with war on the horizon. Blood demanded blood and Lexa yearned for the Mountain Men's. There would be nothing and no one that would stop her from achieving her satisfaction.

They would bleed. They would all bleed.

Her feet carried her to the sleeping blonde and she crouched down hand hovering over her body. Her green eyes staring intently at her face more than she knew she should. Yet she couldn't help but try and memorize how it looked in that very moment. She didn't want to forget this. She wanted to hold it and never let go.

This tiny insignificant moment of freedom.

She breathed. A small cloud of white air enveloped around her. It was cold. Winter would be here soon. Her fingertips ghosted the edges of Clarke's cheek. Her eyes flitted down to parted lips. She realized how she wished to touch them. To see if they felt as soft as they looked.

Lexa bit her lip.

This was so wrong. She couldn't do this. Whatever this was, whatever she was feeling was wrong. This was not her way and it would stop. She would make sure of that. There would be no more of this, there couldn't be.

Lexa moved her hand and grasped her shoulder before shaking the blonde gently. And when she saw the beginnings of fluttering eyes she backed away. She put the distance between them that they needed. That she needed.

Blue eyes opened sleepily. "Lexa?" It took a moment for Clarke to get her bearings as she slowly became aware of her surroundings. Lain up against the tree covered with a thin blanket the woman missed the peace of sleep.

Lexa nodded before moving to go and pack the few things that she had brought with her. She could feel the stare as she moved about the small campsite but paid it no mind. If Clarke wanted to speak she would.

"Did you sleep at all?" Clarke asked lowly. Her voice still filled with warmth of rest.

Lexa didn't stop to spare her a glance. "I did not need to. There is no time to rest."

Clarke watched her with strange eyes before speaking. "Thank you."

Lexa inclined her head and finally stopped her movement. She raised in eyebrow in question. "For what? I have done nothing."

The Sky Princess hummed in response and Lexa found herself waiting for an answer yet the only thing that came was a small smile. It was sad and she found herself no longer wanting to know so she continued to move covering the small pit of where the remains of the fire used to be.

"What time is it?" Clarke asked finally rising.

"Morning." Lexa said. "We have been gone too long."

The blonde ignored her for the most part opting to watch the early sky. It was so quiet she realized. It was early enough that everything was still peaceful and nothing had awoken yet. It was if they were only two people that existed.

"It's beautiful." She whispered softly still not wanting to fully be awake. "I always dreamt of the ground you know. It's nothing like what I imagined it would be."

The Commander glanced at her companion. She felt as if this was something not meant for her to hear. That these were words not meant to be said in the companion of someone so cold. "Because everything wants to either eat you or kill you?"

She shook her head and all of a sudden Lexa found blue eyes trained on her again. "Because everything here is alive."

Lexa couldn't stop the small tug of a smile. "You truly are odd Clarke of the Sky People."

She started to laugh and it was a beautiful sound. "You have no idea."

The brunette just watched silently as Clarke seemed to take in everything. She wasn't sure if it was the sleep or just the morning air that made her companion act strange, but Lexa enjoyed it. She looked so free and not aged by the battle that had past and those that would come.

For a moment they both forgot. And again Lexa had that terrible feeling stir in the pit of her stomach.

_She never wanted this to end. _

* * *

The trek back had been quiet. With each step that they took the people they had been in the woods felt farther and farther away. They had been given a moment of serenity and peace and now it must be given back. A gift that could be cherished but not kept, but such was the way of their life.

To Lexa it almost felt like a dream and it was slipping farther and farther out of her grasp. A part of her wanted to hold on to it tightly and never let it go. The other part of her wished it had never happened. She wished she had never left camp, wished that she had not chased after Clarke and heard her wishful words because they reminded her of all the things they couldn't have. The people they couldn't be.

It was confusing the things she felt.

And the closer they got to smoke and fires and voices of war the heavier the air grew. The Commander watched as realization dawned on Clarke and the person she had been in the woods disappeared seemingly realizing the moment of weakness.

Her face already hardened, the haunted look had come back to both of them. It was a look that demanded the pain to be felt once again, that separated them into leaders of two different people fighting for the same cause. She found it funny how they could somehow be both enemies and allies. Close enough that words could be spoken without thought, but far enough to refuse to share pain.

The walls around them were being built back up. Brick by brick, remnants of the people they could be were fading away. Whether it was to protect them from those inside Tondc or from themselves Lexa did not know. The only thing she did know was that it was dangerous to be around Clarke. She felt too comfortable, she felt too much.

She was starting to trust her. That was not something that could happen.

She didn't know what it was that caused her to stop, but when her feet no longer obeyed her mind she froze. Clarke behind her was quick to stop as well in confusion to what was happening. Her eyes warily searching for some kind of threat. "Why are we stopping?"

Lexa turned around and her tongue had made the decision before her mind could have caught up. "I will train you." And the look Clarke had given her, she was sure that the blonde thought she had grown two heads.

"What?"

"You will train with me." Lexa said. "I thought it was best I informed you before we entered the village again." She finished shortly before turning back around to continue on their trek. She was not sure what persuaded her to speak as she had or why she had said it. The thought had barely passed through her mind before she spoke, but she stopped when she felt Clarke take hold of her hand.

"Lexa I don't need to be babied. I can take care of myself." Defiance shone through in her eyes and Lexa met it with equal vigor. She would not be dissuaded. She didn't know why she couldn't accept Clarke's refusal, but she realized that she wouldn't. It was a desire that she had. A desire to protect Clarke. And Lexa was sure then that it made it all the worse.

"This is not a choice." She said wrenching her wrist free. "You will do this."

"You can't force me Lexa."

"Can't I?" It was back in place. The mask that so firmly made her the leader of the grounders was back on and she knew she could not afford to take it off again. Not when she felt so weak when she was around this girl.

"Lexa you can't make decisions for me." Clarke said firmly. They weren't angry at each other. At least they didn't want to be. They knew this was nothing personal to either of them; this was merely how they were. Always testing each other, always skirting around from the space of being too close. Someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong.

"What good are you to your people if you are afraid of battle? If you cannot fight and you die?" There was more to it. Lexa knew it deep down. There was more to this than their people. This was for her as well. This was Lexa being selfish and yet she couldn't voice it.

"I can fight."

She was betraying something. Lexa knew it. She didn't want to, but she was doing this because she knew she had to. This was the practical choice. She was doing Clarke a favor. So how is it that by protecting things she always ended up hurting them? They were equals and she had no right to force her. She couldn't force her. And yet that is what she planned to do.

Lexa's feet carried themselves into Clarke's space. Far closer than she should have allowed herself. And for the first time she realized how she stood over her. It wasn't by much but the way blue eyes had to look up to meet her had the brunette relishing in the fact.

The Commander took her dagger out and placed it in Clarke's hands. "Show me." She said backing up a few paces. "Prove to me that you can do what you must."

For a moment Clarke didn't understand what she was asking and then when she did it was disbelief. Her eyes flitted down to the blade and she was unable to look away. Her hand shook as she held the cold metal before meeting Lexa's eyes again. It felt so heavy in her hands and she realized just how hard it was to breathe. Her eyes flashed and Clarke was gone. Tossed back into everything she hated and feared because she was so afraid that she'd never come back. Terror filled her body.

_No. _

It was instant. And the dagger fell from her hands and Clarke was scurrying back away from the weapon unable to be near it. Unable to see the things that she saw and the pain that she felt. Lexa was back at her side in a second. Dagger already put away where the blonde wouldn't find it and green eyes held her in a steady stare.

"Breathe Clarke." It hadn't been a moment meant to humiliate her and the way her chest tightened watching the blonde Lexa knew it had been exactly that. It was meant to prove a point. It was meant to show her the things she needed to see.

Clarke turned her head away in shame, angry at her own actions.

Lexa attempted to put her hand on her arm but it was shrugged off. She realized Clarke wasn't happy with her, but she had to do it. She pushed down the twinge of regret of what she had done. There was no reason to feel sorry.

Lexa needed Clarke to be strong and to do that she must realize where she was weak. And then she had to hide it from any others to see. It was a necessary evil. Lexa moved away from her and continued the trek back to Tondc knowing that Clarke would follow. They weren't far now. It wouldn't be long before they could once again go there separate ways.

"We will begin training tomorrow."

The rest of the way back was held in silence.

* * *

When they finally made it back to the gates of Tondc, Lexa had left her without another word. Clarke hadn't been inclined to stop her and yet her eyes followed her until she was long out of sight. Turning she began her walk back to her own tent.

There were things she had to do, people she had to see and yet she wanted nothing more than to fade away. It was sad really. Lexa was right. From the moment the warrior had asked her to attack, Clarke knew she couldn't do it. She hadn't wanted to be the reason that people got hurt.

When it was time she would. When she went to battle against the Mountain Men she would hold her gun straight and her dagger steady. Until then couldn't they rest? Couldn't they forget like they had in the night before with soft words and regaling stories?

Her tent came into view and it was easy to slip inside and settle back into what was home. It was small, but it was to her liking. Her bag waited for her inside and she was quick to take out the sketchbook she had hidden there. It was hers. It was the one thing she cherished above all else. Her hands flipped through worn pages and her mind settled easy.

Art had always been a constant for Clarke. It was what she fell back on when she was floating. It was where her thoughts became a reality. As she flipped through all of her sketches not all were pretty. Some were ugly and bruised with bodies split open and faces that no longer existed. Some showed the earth scorched and some were of space and of the stars.

Her fingers slipped on one page and she stopped to look at it. In pencil it almost looked real. Staring at the side profile of her father it was the best she could remember of him. It was all she could remember of him. She tried hard to remember the sound of his voice but even that had faded months ago.

Her fingertips ghosted paper eyes and wispy pencil hair. It wasn't real, but it was the closest she could get to him ever again. She glanced at the watch on her wrist. This was all she had left of him.

A watch and a drawing.

"What would you have done dad?" She asked softly knowing that there would be no answer.

Sometimes she wondered what it would have been like if he had been alive. Would he have sent the 100 kids to the ground? Would there have been a civil uprising on the Ark? If her father had been alive things would have been so much different. Things would have been easier.

Her reverie was broken all too quickly.

"Clarke!" Raven said flying in. She shut the sketchbook quickly. It was hers. It was no one else's to look at. "Thank God! They wouldn't let us out of camp to come look for you. I was so close to beating the living shit out of someone if they wouldn't let me go."

The desperation and the worry in her eyes astounded Clarke. These days it felt like she had forgotten what it was like to have friends. You couldn't be friends and be a leader and she knew eventually moments like this would end. But it didn't stop the small smile overtook her face as she began her apology, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to worry you guys."

"You're damn straight you worried us!" Raven said. "Do you know how long Octavia and me have been looking? Or how Indra had to stop us from starting fights with other grounders?" She rambled on and Clarke for a moment found it cute. "And I know that woman knew something!"

When she finally stopped her friend just looked at her and Clarke noticed the tears that threatened to fall. War had really changed all of them. Clarke could feel another apology on her lips, but before she could utter the words Raven came in without warning to pull the blonde into a hug.

"Damn it Clarke." She cursed. "Don't do that okay? Don't scare me again like that."

Clarke was genuinely surprised and for a moment didn't know what to do before wrapping her arms around the mechanic. It felt nice to be held by somebody. The warmth of her body against Clarke's. It reminded her of someone else.

"I know okay? I know that this is hard and that you think you have to do this all by yourself, but you don't. I'm here Clarke. I'm still here." Raven said into her shoulder. "And I can't lose you to. I can't lose any more friends."

Clarke was silent for a moment and as she stared at the watch on her wrist before she whispered her own sentiments back, "Neither can I."

* * *

A/N: Third chapter up. Still a little shorter than I'd like it, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things again with writing. So I promise to start getting out longer chapters, but otherwise I'd love to hear thoughts on this chapter. I hope I didn't disappoint and leave a review if you can.

And two other quick things. First the little exert at the start is a poem by R.M. Drake and I just think he's just amazing, really you should read some of his stuff if you can. And then secondly I got a few reviews noting the eye color of Clarke and Lexa and then the spelling of Abby's name and so I went and fixed it. Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention and I really do appreciate you guys telling me that.

Until next time,

Chasing Fantasies


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own the 100.

* * *

She didn't know what compelled her. Not quite sure why she had woken up in a cold sweat, unable to breathe and unable to think. She couldn't even remember what she dreamt of or the memories that might have played along the stream of her conscious. But none of that seemed to matter as her hand desperately began its search.

_Where? Where is it?!_

She threw herself off the small make-shift bed quickly. Her head whipped around before grabbing her bag and dumping its contents across the floor. The messy way her lead rolled and clattered, the crumpled papers that scrambled. She couldn't think straight. Her eyes darted back and forth as her fingers grasped for straws of reality.

Her notebook felt like a rock in her hand. The pencil a feather. Her breath was ragged and she was sure she looked insane in that very moment in the middle of the night where not a soul could see her. She could barely see, but the faintest shadows of her limbs and the quiet tremble of her hands in the cold were there.

The pages were flipped quickly and even in her shock she tried dreadfully hard not to rip the other pages of her sketches out, afraid that she would lose them to. Ruin the beauty that she had created in other wakings. And when she finally found the next clear page, a sheet of dusted white, crinkles of age rolling through the edges she laid it flat beneath her gaze.

She stretched it out and pushed everything else to the side. She shoved all of her other utensils out of the way, cleared an arc of dirt so that the pages could be untouched. And then she lurched forward unable to contain herself as her pencil danced across the page.

Lines of gray edges filling in empty space. Various shade of light painting the demise of her dreams of her pains and her pride. Her knees ached from holding her weight as she drew. Her shoulders shook and her eyes threatened to fall shut from exhaustion.

But it was so clear in that moment. It was so real in that moment.

The scrapes of her point on the thin sheet. The music that it played in the silence of camp. She couldn't always remember her dreams. She didn't want to. She knew if she remembered them, she wouldn't be able to move past it.

She was already nothing, a hollow shell of her former self. Anymore damage done to her and Clarke was sure she wouldn't come back from it. She would never completely be the same. The beginning of this war scared her, but it was the end of the war that terrified her.

And when the picture finally started to take shape, when two pair of eyes met her own blue ones in the dark she knew. Clarke knew that things were horribly wrong with her.

* * *

"Are you even listening to me?" Raven sighed irritably. Clarke's head turned and her lips parted, realizing she had once again been caught. The apology was already on her lips when the mechanic shook her head. "I know. Don't sweat it."

The blonde bit the inside of her cheek. She should have been paying attention. She really had tried, but her eyes refused to stay open. Her thoughts refused to remain quiet. It was like this now. She could never seem to stay completely here. She always floated elsewhere.

"I'm sorry." She said softly even though she knew she had already been forgiven.

Raven merely hummed in response. "So what's the plan?"

Clarke contained the scoff that threatened to spill. "If I say I don't have one?"

They continued to walk and with each step Clarke dreaded their path more. Her mother had called a meeting for the leaders of Camp Jaha. The blonde had noticed the nervous way many of the Sky People still acted around in the Grounder Camp. It worried her, but it was coming to attention that with Bellamy inside the mountain plans would be commencing for an attack soon.

They needed a united front or all would be lost.

It kept the focus on the war for now, but afterword Clarke wondered what would happen. Because she was unsure if her people would ever accept their life here among the grounders. Or maybe that was just simply her mother.

It wouldn't be the first time Clarke had seen Abby after Tondc, but it would be the first time without the distraction of other requirements.

And there was something that she had come to understand about Abby and herself. Abby could not separate herself from Chancellor. She could not differentiate the two people because they were one. For Clarke there was two of her. The part of her that led hundreds and hundreds of people and the part of her that was just a girl dreaming of the ground.

Although that part of her seemed to be slowly fading away.

Raven smirked. "Well, it won't be the first time we show up unannounced and without a game plan."

The blonde gave a small smile at her friend's continued optimism and antics. For a while Clarke had been unsure if she had lost Raven to after Finn's death. It had hurt her. She could see it in her eyes and the way it lingered meant she still wasn't past it. But she was trying. They all were.

"My mother won't be happy." Clarke warned. "You don't have to come with me Raven."

The brunette scoffed. "And miss all the fun? You're crazy."

She heard what she really meant though. _I won't leave you alone. _

She bit her lip. They would eventually. They had to. For their safety, for their protection and survival everyone needed to be kept at a safe distance. For now she could enjoy Raven's presence. Enjoy the tiny comfort of having a friend.

By the time the duo had reached the tent that had been designated for the Sky People, Clarke was calm. If there was one thing she had learned from Lexa it was to be confident in your own authority. If you questioned yourself than the slaughter that others would do would be just as ruthless.

Clarke belonged here. She knew that. Deep down whether she liked it or not her place was at the head of the table. She wasn't here for the power or for the chance to relish over her control of them. She was here because she wanted to save her friends.

When she opened the door she could hear her mother's voice clearly.

"I believe we can start now. There's a lot I think we need to discuss befo-" Abby stopped when the door creaked open. There weren't many people in the room. It had been herself, Kane, the head of guard and her assistant, the medical doctor, and then Wick by default.

The new and not so improved council. It was a start.

"Clarke?" It was Kane that spoke first.

"Sorry I'm late." The blonde said tersely before going and taking a seat. Raven was quick to follow in her footsteps a grim look on her face. The deathly silence that echoed her footsteps beat like drums in her ears.

Her mother cleared her throat. "Clarke what are you doing here?"

She cocked her head for a moment. There was warning in her voice. She knew it well enough. Just like her mother knew exactly what she was doing here. "This is a meeting about the attack right? About Tondc and the Grounders? My friends and the plans going forward in the war?"

Silence. Clarke took that as her yes.

"Then my place is here. Anything you plan, I should know."

She had never been particularly good at darts, but here on the ground she never missed.

It wasn't hard to watch the frown that spread across Abby's face. But Clarke wasn't here as her daughter. She wasn't here as Raven's friend or a teenage girl completely out of her league. She was here as Clarke of the Sky People. She was the envoy between those of the ground and those not. She was the key.

It wasn't arrogance that guided her hands. It was the fact that leadership was thrusted upon her.

Blue eyes watched as Kane who sat beside her searched for the right words to say. He looked for something amicable that might appease her. "Clarke maybe you sh-"

"I'm not asking to be here." She said staring directly at her mother. "And since I've not been clear before in the past it's something I'll have to say now. I'm here. I'm not leaving. If you plan to accomplish anything you are going to have to trust me because it will be me that makes the decisions with Lexa."

She could see her mother's face tighten angrily. The air in the room far tenser than it was before. She could even feel Raven beside her shift uncomfortably. And that was one thing that set her apart from everyone else.

"You may be the chancellor, but I'm in charge."

Clarke was willing to do the things that no one else would.

Abby's jaw clenched painfully. "Everyone out." The two head guards and medic didn't need another warning before they left. It was Raven and Kane that lingered even though she knew they wanted to leave as well. This conversation had been a long time coming.

"Abby-"

"Out." She said her eyes never leaving her daughters as she sat calmly in the chair in front of her. "I need to speak to my daughter alone."

Kane only sighed in defeat before leaving. He wouldn't be far. If things got out of hand he'd be near enough to come. Abby glanced at Raven murderously, but the mechanic held her ground. They had been on the ground far too long to be afraid of withering glances and things that didn't have the teeth to physically eat them.

It was a gentle touch and a head nod from Clarke that had her standing and quickly leaving. And when the door shut behind her the blonde knew all the cards were on the table.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?!" Abby seethed.

Clarke fought the urge to get angry. "Honestly? Nothing. The only thing I'm doing is what needs to be done. What are you doing trying to hold a meeting like this without my knowledge?"

The older woman laughed. It wasn't kind and it wasn't gentle. "I don't need to inform you of anything. You're a child Clarke. Something you have seemed too have forgotten."

Clarke stood up hands on the table meeting her mother's challenge. "I haven't been a child since you sent me down to the ground to die. That's not an excuse you can keep using."

"I was doing what I had to Clarke!" Her mother said throwing her hands up. "I was trying to protect you. I still am trying to protect you! Whether or not you deserve that anymore I don't know." And there it was. The disgust and the contempt that her mother now held for her. The disbelief of all that Clarke had done.

"And what exactly do you think I'm doing now? I am doing what is _necessary_."

"It was necessary to let 350 people die Clarke? That was necessary? The Clarke I know would have never even considered that. She would have found another way. She would have warned us."

Clarke noted the way Abby separated her. It wasn't an _us_ that included Clarke. It was one that set her apart, that made her stand alone. "Kind of like when you floated my father and murdered your own husband?" Her mother recoiled back as if she had been hit.

"That was different and you know it." The denial was clear, the refusal to believe the evidence that was so strongly there.

"No, it's not. It's exactly the same." She said through gritted teeth. "I will never forgive you for it, but you did what you thought you had to do. What you thought was best for the people on the Ark. Not for the little girl that would lose her father."

"It wasn't supposed to happen like that Clarke. I had no idea that Jaha would float him. I wanted him to convince your father out of it." Her mother was crying, but she didn't feel the need for tears. "He was supposed to help." Hadn't she cried enough already?

Clarke shook her head. "That's a lie. You thought of everyone else. You thought about their _survival_. You did it for them. Just like I am doing _this_ for us."

_Why can't you understand? Why can't you believe in me?_

Abby straightened and her shoulders slicked back as Clarke recognized her adopting her chancellor look. "That is not your decision to make." Clarke wanted to laugh. She truly did because despite all her words she still wasn't getting it. It was going to take more to make her mother see the reality of her situation.

She didn't blame her for the things that had happened. She didn't blame her or any of the other adults for sending her to the ground. In fact, she felt as if she understood them more and she hated herself for it. Because it meant she had become everything she said she never would. She didn't forgive them, she didn't hold any love for their outcomes but she accepted them for the realities that they were.

This was there life. And there would be no changing it.

"That's where you're wrong. I'm the only one that gets to make that decision."

And with that final note she stood up and walked away. Because there was nothing left for her to say that she hadn't already. It was weird the role reversal that she was in, but there was no time to dwell on the things that were.

"I don't know who the hell you are anymore." Her mother's broken voice lingered out, but Clarke never faulted in her footsteps. She couldn't. Her mother wanted to hurt her, but she could never be more ashamed of her than Clarke was of herself.

On her way out she passed Kane who made no attempts to stop her. And as she glanced at him she wondered if she could find ally in him? If she was right he would support her even wary as he was. The man was learning to give her the benefit of the doubt from his own mistakes. Just as she was learning from their mistake to make better decisions.

Maybe he could convince her mother as well.

"I don't expect you to fully support me, I just ask that you trust that anything I do are for the right reasons." Clarke paused choosing her words carefully. "The girl you knew on the Ark, she's not the one that's standing here now Kane."

_She's long gone. _

Kane stared at her back. "No, she's not. She's the splitting image of her father."

Clarke stiffened.

"He would be proud of you."

"Would he?" The bitter words left her lips. She hadn't been able to stop them. They had been the words she asked herself all day. It was the question she saw in her reflection. "Because I don't think he'd recognize me."

She knew he knew about Tondc. Clarke had no doubt that her mother had told him. The look he had seen on his face earlier when she walked in was enough to know. It was funny how much you realized when people began to look at you differently. When they saw you as the reason for all their pain.

Kane shook his head. "He would because I still do. You think you've changed Clarke and I won't deny that you have. You've changed far more than anyone your age should have had to. But the little girl I watched grow in her father's light is still there. She might be a little dusted and bruised but she's there."

She felt small under his gaze. "That's wishful thinking in war times."

"It is. But so is asking for a mother to let go of her child."

Clarke was silent.

The older man sighed. And it was of exhaustion and of age and she realized just how truly old he was now. "I've done things I'm not proud of Clarke. The choices I've made have not always been the correct ones, but that is part of living."

He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes darkening as he remembered all the things he wished to forget. You wanted to. You always wanted to forget the things that hurt you, but you never can. The pain just buries itself so far into your heart that you learn to live with it. "My decisions have cost many people their lives, people who shouldn't have had to pay for my arrogance and self-righteous."

"Is there a point to this Kane?" The blonde interrupted tersely. She hid the hand that shook at her sides, the one that betrayed all of her doubt and fear.

"I support you and I will talk to your mother."

Clarke nodded her head. "Thank yo-"

"But remember so long as you take on this responsibility other people will always be the consequence. Not you, but everyone around you. People will die and the first one everyone will look to blame is you. But if anyone can do it, if anyone can come back from this when this is all over Clarke… I believe it to be you."

Clarke said nothing as her feet began moving again. She didn't want to hear his words because she didn't believe them. She couldn't. Because believing in them meant so much more, it meant having hope. As much as she wanted to find the light in the dark she knew nothing good could come out of it.

For her to succeed, for her to lead as many people out of this alive as possible she had to stay in the dark. She had to sacrifice every part of her body, soul, and mind to the dark. Because only then could she make the decisions to save them. Only then could she do what she had to.

She saved them by losing herself.

She glanced up at the sky. The sun was almost at midday. Clarke couldn't stop the frown that pulled at the corner of her lips. Her fingers danced on her thigh as she drummed nervously. She had time. In her tent she had stashed her bottle. The bottle that gave her liquid courage and settled her mind. Then she would leave.

_Then I will go and meet Lexa. _

* * *

This was her fifth session. Or maybe it was her fourth. Really, as she looked up at the Sky, Clarke had no idea nor did she particularly care at the moment. Blue eyes curiously looked and she couldn't believe that two suns danced in front of hers. Maybe she had hit her head harder than she had expected.

What she did know was that she was in pain. Her body physically ached all over.

"Get up Clarke." The voice came from somewhere above. She knew who it was. She also knew what would happen if she got back up again.

"Fuck you." She said lying flat on her back. The thought of tomorrow and how much it would hurt to wake made her cringe. Clarke had thought she had been sore before just learning the movements, but now she knew. She knew because it hurt to move her damn pinky.

This fucking sucked. A lot.

She heard Lexa sigh irritably. This almost made her smile. _Good. _If she couldn't land a single blow on her in battle she could at the least annoy her to the point of death. That still counted as a win right?

"Your mind is elsewhere."

Clarke pushed herself on her elbows and stared at Lexa. "Fuck you." She said again. She didn't particularly feel like having a conversation right now. She wasn't angry, not even particularly mad that she asked. She just didn't want to talk about it. Coming here and doing this meant that she got away.

It meant she didn't have to think about it.

They were alone in a clearing. Lexa had told her at their first session that this place was where she went to train alone. It wasn't particularly pretty, but it was practical. It embodied everything that Lexa was.

Clarke had questioned her on whether or not it was safe and Lexa had responded that almost no one knew of it. It would just be them. They would have their privacy.

"_Privacy to kick my ass" _Even though her body protested Clarke pushed to her feet. She was covered in dirt, her hair was wild, and sweat glistened off her skin. She was bleeding in a few places where Lexa had nicked her. A deeper cut on her arm had paused them not long ago and while Lexa hadn't apologized Clarke had seen it in her eyes.

"I will not waste my time if your focus is not here." Clarke finally chanced looking at the Commander's face. She didn't see the signs of anger like she might have thought just the confusion to Clarke's disobedience.

It was funny just how well Lexa could read her. How much she could tell in her facial expressions and movements.

It had only been days since they had started their time together. They rarely said words other than _Again _and _Dead_, but she had never felt closer to Lexa. She had never felt more alive. They way her eyes sparkled when she fought, the concentration and fluidity of her movement. It was beautiful to watch.

Clarke could fall a thousand times, be beaten until she could no longer move and she would take it all just to watch Lexa for a moment. Because Lexa was the most interesting person Clarke had ever met. And that scared her.

"If I remember correctly, I wasn't the one who asked you for this." The words were out before she could stop them. And the moment she saw the stiffness in Lexa's shoulder she wished she could have taken it back. It was wrong.

Lexa opened her mouth to say something, but Clarke cut her off. "Let's go again."

She hadn't forced her. As much as Clarke wanted to think Lexa made her come out here, she didn't. Everyday Clarke chose to come see her. She chose to believe her. And yet she still held back in letting the Commander in.

The blonde didn't mean to take it out on the Commander. She was the last person that deserved any kind of lashing because although she wouldn't say it Clarke appreciated these meetings. She looked forward to them. It gave her a distraction, a means to get better.

Sometimes they went once a day, other times they went twice a day. The first time Lexa had knocked her flat on her ass within the first ten seconds. And it was from there that Clarke made it her goal to wipe the smug look that followed off of the Commander's face.

Each day showed some progress. She lasted a second or two longer. Her reflexes much more in tune with that of her surroundings. The sessions were helping. Lexa was helping. And when it was the two of them out here for a moment Clarke was happy it was Lexa here.

She wanted to think she would have been happy if it were anyone. Wanted to think that she wasn't happy because of Lexa. That it was the training and the distraction. But the Sky Princess knew deep in her heart what the answer was. It could only be Lexa. It wouldn't be the same otherwise.

Because her presence was the only thing that made her _forget_.

She would never admit that either.

Because it meant too much. It meant she wanted more.

Clarke rolled her shoulders and picked her dagger back up. It still felt odd in her hands, but at least now she understood how to use it. She settled her feet apart and felt her weight shift to the back foot. One hand lifted to guard her face and the other with the dagger settling forward by her waist.

She watched as green eyes appraised her stance looking for any mistake before nodding. Clarke had learned quickly that attacking Lexa first got her nowhere. Against an experienced fighter, against the Commander, she had no chance and the blonde had never been good at the offensive game.

She waited. And then when they came. She fought back.

The only warning with Lexa that Clarke had was the shuffling of feet. It was instant the way she moved. She never took it easy on her, but she also knew that Lexa would never intentionally hurt her.

And when she slashed, Clarke felt her body moving backward to avoid it. She herself was quick to try and go in for a jab to the ribcage so eager for success, but so far out of her league. This is why she had guns. There was no need for this. She could hide in the bushes; she could stand right in front of you. It didn't matter. A gun would always shoot straight. And with the right shooter, a bullet never missed.

She felt Lexa grab her forearm and then there was a flying sensation. Clarke felt the air leave her lungs where the brunette had firmly planted her foot to her stomach. Her feet slid back, but the blonde fought for the balance to not fall. If she fell, Lexa would be all over her.

Clarke laughed as she gasped for air. It hurt, but it was the good kind of hurt. Her body was rushing with an adrenaline that she forgot she could have. The kind of adrenaline that made you excited and not scared.

She looked at Lexa and found green eyes transfixed on her. Clarke didn't know what it was that made Lexa not leave her, but she hoped it never stopped. She hoped Lexa would always look at her like she did now.

She didn't think Lexa even knew how she looked at her. How much she made Clarke feel.

"It'll take more than that to knock me out Commander." Clarke teased through a ragged breath. She enjoyed the amusement she saw race through green eyes. Saw the way that the Commander couldn't hide the small tug of a smirk.

She felt as if she was on a high from the adrenaline. And focusing on that felt so much better than focusing on anything else. Clarke thought the smile that threatened to overtake her own face would split in half.

"I don't believe you've landed a hit yet Sky Princess." Clarke sucked in a breath to find Lexa already at her side and when she felt her legs kicked out from underneath of her she felt her head pound against the ground. That would leave a bump, she just knew it.

At the end of this she would be sure to have the best collection of purple bruises on her pale body.

When she opened her eyes to look up instead of the sky it was green eyes and a smug face that met her from above. She held in the discomfort at Lexa's foot digging into her chest again. The Commander really could be ruthless when she wanted.

"Dead." She said simply. She took off the pressure from her chest but refused to remove her foot. Clarke raised an eyebrow, but didn't fight it.

"Tell me what troubles you." Lexa's eyes had softened and Clarke controlled the odd urge to smile at their relationship. She couldn't be angry. She didn't know why she couldn't because she probably should be trapped under her foot. Instead she just felt amused.

"Are you asking me or are you ordering me?"

Lexa didn't pause in her response. "Both."

_You._

"Why do you want to know?"

Lexa bit her lip; Clarke had caught her off guard momentarily. Why did she want to know? The desire to know burned in her stomach as to what troubled the Sky girl. The way blue eyes stared at her from the ground built a desire in her body. She shouldn't be doing this. She shouldn't care about what Clarke felt.

Lexa turned on her heels and went to the other side of the clearing.

_Love is weakness_

"Again."

Clarke sighed and got up. The walls were back up. She could see it in the way that Lexa stood. That's what infuriated her. They would make progress. Clarke would get the impression that she was finally getting to know the woman underneath the Commander and then she did this. She walked away, she shut down and there was nothing Clarke could do.

Lexa didn't trust her and as long as that stood Clarke knew she couldn't trust Lexa.

_As much as I may want to. _

As she settled back into the stance she taught herself, she chose not to wait. Blue eyes focused in on the Commander as she slowly walked around her. She watched as green eyes never left hers. Lexa stood unfazed.

Clarke had learned one thing during all of her short training. You couldn't think. The more you thought, the more you compromised yourself. She wasn't learning anything new, she was honing what was already there. Planning would do nothing because in battle everything could change.

The only thing they could do was be prepared.

She was the first to charge not wanting Lexa to come at her. She raised to slash with the blade in her hand mimicking what Lexa had done earlier. She could see confidence in Lexa's eyes. That would be her downfall.

As Lexa shifted to match her blade, Clarke spun out to slam her elbow into Lexa's ribs. The reaction was instant as the brunette doubled over in pain. The triumph that flared in Clarke's chest was overwhelming. But the recovery was faster than she had anticipated and when Lexa's blade was brought across her collarbone, Clarke felt the sting of the edge.

She was quick to use the blunt of her own dagger to slam into Lexa's wrist. The Commander dropped her weapon and Clarke was soon to follow. Instinct took over and the blonde did the only thing that came to mind.

She tackled the Commander of the entire Grounder Army to the ground.

Clarke didn't take into account the fall and how for a moment they would roll. She didn't take into account how strong Lexa really was as they grappled. She probably should have. Because as they rolled and Lexa took control, Clarke realized again at just how much of a disadvantage she had.

"Fuck." Clarke breathed out as she stared up into green eyes. Lexa straddled her hips, her full weight pressed down upon her. Her wrists held high above her head. Lexa looked down at her with unreadable eyes and blood dripped down from a small cut on her lip.

Her lips were parted and Clarke could focus on nothing but Lexa's face. She wanted to know every contour, every dip of her skin. "You lose." The Commander whispered lowly. Her face was closer than it should have been. They both knew it. Clarke could feel her breath on her cheek.

She could have gotten up at any time just like she had before. She could have gotten up and called for another round. But they were stuck there together and Lexa felt her body being pulled down like a weight. She was always drawn towards Clarke. She couldn't stop the pull that brought them together constantly even if she continued to fight it.

They looked terrible. They were a mess. They were both all sorts of fucked up and too far gone. And Clarke didn't understand. Because every time she felt far, every time she felt lost, there Lexa was. She was lost in the darkness, she had accepted her realities.

_If anyone can come back from this Clarke…. I believe it to be you._

Kane's words whispered in her head.

"Everything." Clarke said with honesty. "Everything troubles me or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I can't stop thinking about the war and about other people and what is going to happen. And I'm praying that we win. Because we need to win. I can't lose this. If I lose this than everything I've done means nothing. The person that I'm becoming will have been for nothing. And there are time when I can barely look at myself because I hate what I see."

She paused for a moment trying to gauge anything in Lexa's eyes. Because if she was wrong everything could fall apart. "But worse than that I can't stop thinking about _you_. You are always on my mind Lexa. And as lost as I feel, you are always there. There has to be more to life than just surviving. There has to be more for _us_."

Clarke's eyes flitted down to Lexa's lips. And then she closed the distance.

They were so much softer than she imagined. It was gentle and desperate and the blonde could only hope that everything she was feeling were known. Because she wanted Lexa to know.

It hadn't taken even a moment for the older girl to respond and when her hands fell from her face to cup pale white skin, she was in bliss. Nothing could have compared for this. Her chest was bursting and Clarke's body underneath of her was warm as she pressed against it, yearned for it.

This had been building for weeks. But they couldn't do this. They knew that.

It was when Clarke's hands found their way around her neck that Lexa fully realized what was happening. She broke the contact and tore herself away from the body on the ground. Her eyes were wide and Clarke stared at her.

Clarke hadn't known what had come over her, but she knew she had made a mistake. The look in Lexa's eyes were all she needed to know that she had made a mistake.

"Lexa, please." She begged already knowing what the Commander was going to do.

"Training is cancelled." And then Lexa left without another glance behind her.

* * *

A/N: Fourth chapter is up. Sorry it took a little while, but it took me some time to figure out where I wanted to take it and where I wanted it to go. I really do enjoy playing with Lexa and Clarke's behavior and how they interact with each other and I can only hope I'm doing them justice. It's curious to watch Clarke become stronger and letting go of who she used to be and Lexa realizing everything she wants to be.

Either way leave reviews let me know what you think.

Also, regarding my other one shot Speak Freely I got a few reviews about continuing it. I kind have an idea that I could run with, but I want to be sure. So if you think I should continue it or just leave it as it is if you could let me know that would be fantastic. Either way I'm really happy with that piece and how it turned out.

See ya

Chasing Fantasies


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